It's Your Roll, Mr. Vader...

Fucking Monopoly. What kind of shithead invents a game that takes a week to play -- and that's assuming you finish. I don't think I've actually ever completed a full game -- it's like one of those five pound hamburgers in Vegas that are free if you eat the whole thing, but no one ever finishes those fuckers and they end up paying, like, 50 bucks for the thing. Those Parker brothers are dicks.

Mr. Z has been dying to play his "Star Wars-opoly" for months, so finally we relent. Shit, that game is like watching paint dry. And once you set it up, you can't move it -- there are cards all over the place and that fucking money and all those houses and hotels. Of course we set it up right in the middle of the goddamn family room, so everyone's almost stepping on it whenever you want to walk through the room. It's like you need to build some sort of Monopoly grotto where you can leave the fucker set up for months at a time. The Monopo-wing.

And by the way, nice grafting of a metaphor onto a game, Parker Brothers. You take the time to add all the movie images and to change all the property names from "St. James Place" and "Boardwalk" to "Mos Eisley" and "Naboo," but you still leave this on the board:



What the shit is that?! So Yoda is zipping across the desert of Tatooine in his X-34 Land Speeder when he comes across a red Studebaker parked on a dune. "Lucky we are, yeeeesss," he declares. "Safe we shall be from Imperial Troopers until next roll of dice it is time, Luke. Free Parking Zone powerful tool in fight against dark side, yeeessss!"

And of course, the force is no match for the true policers of space:



I'm pretty sure that's Mr. McFeeley from Mr. Rogers. "Oh, can't talk today, Mr. Rogers! Lord Dooku has unleashed a rogue group of Gamorrean warlords to terrorize Dagobah and I've got to alert the Federation. Gotta go! Speedy Delivery!"

I can't wait to see what sort of thrilling three hours of gameplay awaits me today! Maybe Princess Leia will finally be able to build a hotel on Alderaan! Then the rent will be doubled, to 100 galactic credits!

Someone kill me.