A. Put a dog turd in the refrigerator.
2. Lather up a doggy dick.
3. Pay over $700 in two days for 2 pet hospital visits.
C. Pull a dingleberry off of a canine bung-hole.
5. Walk around the neighborhood with a purple bag of shit in my hand.
[Okay, I had done three of those before owning a dog, but they were done recreationally, not out of obligation.]