Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Scared Stiff...

So, I think I'm gonna go to Bob's funeral tomorrow. Is that weird? I don't really go to funerals... yet. I'm sure they'll start rolling in soon enough. I remember a funeral I went to back in college where the open casket was right inside the front door of the church -- you basically had to walk up to and then around the body to go inside. I'm pretty sure that was the moment that put me off funerals for good.

And that open casket shit is so fucking creepy. It's like some kind of horror movie -- you're just waiting for the body to sit up and do some Phantom of the Opera face at the crowd. I know some people need to see the person one last time for closure, but I don't know, I think looking at photos and sharing stories is a little more respectful and a little less terrifying. Anywhich, apparently there was a viewing today, so hopefully tomorrow, at the service, things are all sealed up nice and tight, and it's just people talking about what an awesome guy he was.

I also have a really hard time sitting quietly in big spaces without moving, like in churches and lecture halls and shit. I've got my pointy ass-bones poking into the goddamn wooden benches, and I'm not moving, and it's really fucking quiet, and then I can feel my heart beating, which always freaks me out, and there's usually someone sitting right next to me, and I'm all hot and boxed in and shit, and then I start getting sweaty and panicky, and I try to just breathe slowly and deeply, but then I get too fixated on my breathing, and then I get all itchy, and by that time my ass and taint have gone completely numb and my mouth's all dry and I have to take a steamy camel piss and I look up to try to find something to calm me down and boom, I look right at the dead body lying there in the goddamn open casket.

Holy crap, I think I better take a half a Xanax before I go. And I'll sit on the aisle... in the back. And maybe I'll bring a cushion. And a diaper.

Only I could make someone else's funeral all about me.

I am such a dick.

6 comments:

Sarah said...

I think going to the funeral is a really nice gift TO the family. Yes they are creepy and stressful to go through, BUT it is so meaningful to the family to have a full house. A tangible memory of the impact of their loved one. Good luck today.

lizzy said...

Yep. Going is the right thing to do, for yourself and for everyone else. And in a way, it is all about you. You may be a crazy person, but you're thoughtful. And that's a good combo.

Kim said...

I have a terrible time at funerals as well. I become paralyzed with fear, actually.

I didn't go to my first funeral until my junior year of college. It was my grandma, and it was AWFUL. The open casket about sent me over the edge. I guess I get that some people need to actually see the person to, I dunno, make sure they're really dead, but dang! What a morbidly awful custom. I'd rather remember the person as they were during life. And what's with the wackadoo Southern tradition of taking pictures of the deceased in their coffin? EWWWWW x1000!

You are a good dude going to Bob's funeral. It's only fitting you remember him, since he always remembered you.

nora said...

I have the opposite reaction to Kim about funerals and open caskets. I just have to touch the body. Seriously.
Now, I'm not crashing funerals or anything, but the whole thing works for me.

crabbydad said...

Nora, you are insane. And probably one of the undead from all the corpses you've touched. You've managed to give my heebie-jeebies the willies. Congrats.

Kim said...

THAT'S IT! CD, you've figured it out! Nora is undead! That's the only possible way she can hold down 12 jobs at once and still remain functional.

(You know we love your hard workin' ass, Nora!)