Thursday, November 08, 2007

Why Must You Have So Many Friends, Dammit?!!!

There must've been a shitload of boinkin' going on in this town around February of 2000, 'cuz the goddamn birthday invitations for Miss O are getting outta control. She just got invited to another one in two weeks and guess where it's being held? That's right, mofos, Caesarland, or as I like to call it "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

I've made my feelings about Caesarland quite clear in the past, what with its e.coli-smeared play structures, the eau de Ass that hangs in the thick, smoky air right at burning nostril level, the acid-washed-jeans-wearin' moms that glare at you (with their one good eye) with that "fuck with me and I'll snap your neck like a nitrite-engorged Slim Jim" look, and, of course, the pizza that I'm pretty sure is just a photo of a pizza transfered onto a circular mound of wet pantyhose.

And did I mention that the party is from 11:00 a.m. until 3:00 p.m.?! Four hours! AT CAESARLAND!!! That's the equivalent of 18 hours, here on Earth. To expose Miss O, and myself, to that much filth for that long -- she'd have less of a chance of getting ill if I drove her over to the sewage treatment plant and scooped out a few ladle-fulls of fecal greaseballs for her choke down.

Luckily, I'm planning ahead, this time, and I think I've got the perfect outfits picked out for the party:

Bring on the pizzas, ya bastards... with extra pantyhose!


Kim said...

Your "fecal greaseballs" (a phrase I never thought I'd be typing, btw) sound a lot like the hip new middle-school drug JENKEM.

Click if you dare:

crabbydad said...

Ah, Kim, I know all about Jenkem. According to Snopes, it's a buncha hokem:

Though, I have been known to get quite the buzz after a particularly heinous dump.

Kim said...

I knew it was too good to be true. If we could get a bitchin' stoner buzz from our own butt hash, we'd all be face down on the sofa all the time.

crabbydad said...

If we could get a bitchin' stoner buzz from our own butt hash, we'd all be face down on the sofa all the time.

Kim, you delicate flower, you sure can turn a phrase. I think you just found the perfect quote for your headstone.

nora said...

That is why Kim is president of the Indianapolis chapter of the Crabby Club.