Sunday, November 18, 2007

I Come to Bury Caesarland, Not to Praise It...



Well, I no longer fear death -- for today I spent 2 1/2 hours at Caesarland. What's that? I'll be dead for all eternity, never to think or feel or love or breathe again? Bring it on! I've been to Caesarland!

I won't get into why I was the one lucky enough to escort Miss O to the party. I won't discuss the fact that I was one of only four parents who stayed to make sure their children weren't A) crippled while crawling around in code-defying, shit-caked play tunnels, 2) poisoned by bacteria-ridden cheese-and-salmonellaroni-pizzas, and/or III) molested by the myriad sex-offenders roaming the E.coli-stained carpets. I won't even get into the two tantrums thrown by Miss O, in front of all the other satan spawn, when she refused to fucking sit down for cake and ice cream.



Oh, and I definitely won't mention the Cops episode that broke out, mere feet from the fucking party, when police burst into the building and forcefully apprehended, handcuffed and carried off some skeev who was most likely one of the aforementioned sex offenders. I shit you not, by the way. The boyfriend of the birthday girl's mom, who looked like he was maybe, oh, 17 1/2, told me, after the altercation, "I thought that guy didn't look quite right. I seen 'im earlier when I was outside smokin', and he asked me for a light."

I'm just going to go upstairs, steal a coupla candy bars from the Miss O's halloween bag (that she fucking OWES me after today), take a long, hot shower to dislodge the silt of death that descended upon me in that Hellmouth, crawl into bed and pass out. And if I never wake up... well, at least I won't have to think about this day ever again.

5 comments:

nora said...

I have a hard time saying "no" to a lot of things. I wind up at more damn candle parties and volunteering for stuff that I have no time for.

The one thing that I've always stood firm on is - NO FREAKING BIRTHDAY PARTIES AT CHEEZELAND OR WHERE EVER. I've missed a few birthday parties for my dear niece and nephew, but it has been totally worth it.

Of course I did a stint as Bingo the Clown when I worked at the Ground Round in college. I was probably the only person who played typewriter in a punk-rock band and was in a clown costume three hours later. Of course, I might be one of the only people who has played typewriter in a band...

I hope you've recovered from the party. And, you're a good papa to go and protect Miss O.

Monica said...

Gah, just when I was thinkin' you were all hyperoverprotective...you DO know that the first two years of Sesame Street now carry a warning, right? No longer PC or even legal, apparently, for toddlers to watch. The Aqua Dots got recalled, probably your fault as well.
Well, talk to me when she's 26 and you're glad there's ONLY lead paint on the walls in her downtown apt...and four locks on the door...and "mouse traps" in a neatly labeled box...

Jon said...

When I was there (mostly attracted by the very strange food art on the windows outside), the accoustic tile in caesarland looked like it was soaking in legionnaire's disease.

melpaco said...

I'm so glad my kid isn't the only one who ever threw a fit and refused to sit down for cake at a birthday party.

crabbydad said...

Frankly, melpaco, they probably have the right instinct. Sitting down at Caesarland would most likely result in some sort of communicable disease, or at the very least, a heinous ass-fection.