Thursday, December 14, 2006

Time to Titan the Old Belt...

So, we've decided that this xmas is going to be seriously pared down from previous years. The old lady and I have, in the past, gone a little overboard with the gift-giving for the spawnage and it's time to cool the jets a little. The kids actually seem pretty cool with it -- their lists were pretty reasonable this year. Shit, Miss O put like two things on it and then said, "I just want to be surprised." Well, Miss O, the surprise is, Santa's got a light load waiting for you this year.

She wanted a couple of these "Groovy Girl" dolls. I swear to fuck, they're all exactly the same, except each one has a slightly different yarn color for her hair, and they all have different names, like Larissa, and Natalya, and Shoshana, and Fleeflonna, and Cheechonna and Chlamydia. The great thing is, they're way the fuck bigger than those goddamn Polly Pockets and they don't have miniscule rubber clothing that finds its way into your food, your clothes and your ass-crack. (Don't ask.)

So, yeah, I found those online and ordered them up. We'll probably get her some books, too, and maybe a couple of games. Mr. Z's list, however, proved a might more challenging. He's gotten way back into his "Teen Titans" action figures, and has been playing with those things daily after school. He's got like 10 of them, but, unfortunately, they all have this fatal flaw where their knee joints break and the lower parts of their legs break off. It looks like a goddamn VA hospital in his room. I actually made some replacement legs out of Sculpey for a couple of them, but apparently that ain't cutting it. Apparently Starfire is a little self-conscious about her prosthesis, and it's affecting her ability to fight crime.

So, he asked for some new action figures -- fair enough. I come to find out, of course, that "Teen Titans" has been cancelled on Cartoon Network, and, subsequently, it's fucking impossible to find those little plastic pieces of shit anywhere. Six months ago, I couldn't walk through Target without tripping over a stack of those fuckers, and now -- bupkus!

So, I went online, of course, to pick some up. No dice. The only place I was able to find them was ebay, and I'm not really "the ebay type." In other words, I actually live with a real, live woman. I mentioned to Mr. Z that the show had been cancelled and that Santa might have a hard time locating the action figures he wanted, and he pretty much had an existential breakdown right in front of me. He went on about how unfair it was and that the company that makes the toys is selfish and that they should just give them away to the kids that have stayed loyal to the show and that his life was basically over if he couldn't get a replacement for his "Robin" that got lost in the neighbors bushes last spring, and how he only had "good guys" and they had no one to battle and... well, then I kinda stopped listening after that.

But it did make me determined to find these things for him. So I got on the ebays and started a-searchin', and I found this dude "starwarsrod," (surprise), who was selling 8 Teen Titans (2 different Robins and 6, count-em, 6 bad guys), still in the original packaging. There was only one dorkus who had been bidding, and the thing was only up to about 25 bucks -- about what they would've cost in the store. So I waited. I waited all day -- kept checking in every hour or so -- until the auction was almost over. Still at 25 clams. Then, when there was only one minute left, I jumped in and bid $36.02. The clock ticked down, my heart was pounding, and THEN-- I won. Holy fuckstain. I was totally pumped, until I realized that the person I outbid was probably an eight year old kid who was blubbering to his parents that he got beat out at the last second by some 41 year old shitbag. But screw that kid -- he probably picks his ass and hits small animals with sticks. He doesn't deserve "Red X Robin" and "Cinderblock." Get him a fucking Groovy Girl.

What's the lesson to be learned here? Fuck if I know. Maybe... if your kid bawls his eyes out because he can't get exactly what he wants, you can always throw some money at the situation and make the problem go away.

Yet another Hallmark Moment from the Crabbydad household to you.

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