Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Sah--WHISSSHHH!

So, I'm pretty sure my dental hygienist thinks that I'm retarded. Here's the "conversation" we had as she was cleaning my teeth today:

[clean, clean, scrape, scrape, gouge, gouge, poke in cheek]

HER: Okay, now a little water spray to swish around in your mouth...

[spray, spray]

ME: [swishing]

HER: Okay, now swish it around.

ME: [hesitation with "what the shit" look on face followed by resumed swishing]

[sucking out of swished around water]

[clean, clean, scrape, scrape, gouge, gouge, finger in too far--GAG]

HER: Okay, now a little water spray to swish around in your mouth...

[spray, spray]

ME: [swishing]

HER: Okay, now swish it around.

ME: [hesitation with "seriously, what the shit?!" look on my face followed by reluctant resuming of swishing]

[sucking out of swished around water]

This continued for THE ENTIRE CLEANING SESSION! I mean, she seems like a very nice person -- she has a picture of her dog sitting on Santa's lap, for fuck's sake -- but either she thought I was a complete moron, or she's been sucking on the laffy gas between appointments. By about the tenth minute of her telling me to swish and then IMMEDIATELY reminding me to swish, I was so tempted to spray my mouthful of spitty, blood-plaque into her happy face and scream, "WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?! I'M FUCKING SWISHING, ALL RIGHT?! I'M MOVING THE LIQUID, THAT YOU SQUIRTED INTO MY MOUTH, FROM CHEEK TO CHEEK, QUITE VIGOROUSLY, I MIGHT ADD! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT ANYMORE! I GET IT!! SWISH!! 10-4!! MESSAGE RECEIVED, LOUD AND CLEAR!!! THERE ARE SHITLOADS OF THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT I DON'T GET: RELIGION, THE POPULARITY OF 'MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE,' ALOE VERA JUICE, WHY MR. Z CAN'T SIT STILL IN HIS CHAIR FOR MORE THAN 8 SECONDS, WHY MY EYEBROWS ARE THINNING WHILE EVERYONE ELSE'S GET BUSHIER, EUCHRE, WHICH OF MISS O'S TIGHTS GO WITH WHICH OUTFITS, LUTEFISK -- BUT THE ONE THING I REALLY GET... A LOT... IS THE SWISHING. SO LAY OFF!!!!"

But I swished instead. It just came down to me not wanting to fuck with the person who had pointy metal objects in my breathing hole.

And for the record, I find it strangely "neat" when the dentist takes a piece of gauze, wraps it around my tongue and pulls it out of my mouth a little, apparently to inspect said tongue for lesions or fungi or ants. It's something you just don't expect another human to do to you, and it's just a fucked-up sensation. I don't think I like it, but I don't hate it, either.

Try it with a friend.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you would like this person's blog:
http://francenstein.blogspot.com/

Rose said...

Try it with a friend, eh? Oh my, thank you for the laugh!! Seriously. I've never had a dentist do that to my tongue ... but now I want to make an apointment... :)