Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Nastiest Tea-Baggin' You'll Ever Have...

We're back and, while there are many things to discuss, I have to start with a comment on my new lover, Trader Joe's. Don't get me wrong, I've been partaking of her peanut buttery, pretzel-y goodness and sipping her ruby red inebriants, but I have, unfortunately, found m'lady's fatal flaw.

It is known as "Trader Joe's Jasmine Green Tea," and I must say, I am flummoxed. We got home from our trip to Chicago late this afternoon, and I rifled through the packed Joe's bag to find the flowery green box of leafy nectar, eagerly awaiting a cupful of this ancient unguent to salve my roadtrip woes. I boiled a pot of water and poured the steamy liquid over the fragrant satchel, waiting until the brew was properly steeped.

When it was time, I raised the mug to my quivering lips, and sipped the fragrant fluid, ready to be transported to 14th century China, or India, or wherever the fuck tea came from.

What I got was a mouthful of soap.

I swear to fuck it's a bag of soap, man. And it's not like Dial of Dove, it's like old lady soap -- like those purple heart soaps in the porcelain dishes next to the fancy paper hand towels that you were afraid to use at Granny McGillicuddy's house.

I took another sip, just to make sure and... soap. Now this is the company I read about that flies all over the world to find the best peanuts, the best breads, the best cheeses, and the best they can come up with tea-wise is purple granny soap? It tasted like I sucked up a mouthful of some 18th-century old maid's underwear drawer. It was like a mug full of boiled bloomers.

So I took the liberty of amending the text a bit on the side of the box:



So, yeah, still open a store in East Lansing, Trader Joe's, but move the goddamn Jasmine Green Tea over to the "Soaps 'n' Sundries" aisle.

Bleh.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

So...

You're saying you DIDN'T like the tea?

Seriously, though, even TJ's occasionally gets something wrong. I got some weird frozen veggies in an ass-tasting sauce awhile back. But dude, there's so much that's RIGHT there, I can forgive the occasional misstep.

I'm just thankful there are two stores within 10 miles of my house.

Anonymous said...

If you're in to the whole disgusting food thing may I recommend rice tea?

Worst thing I've ever consumed from Trader Joe's.

No, I'm sorry, I'm mistaken.

Worst thing I've ever consumed.

crabbydad said...

Okay, Kim, now you're just trying to make me angry.

Anon, I'd gladly take rice tea over soap tea any day. And actually, I have this Eden Green Tea/Brown Rice tea that's surprisingly delicioso. Very filling.

_jjs said...

It makes me so ticked that everything associated with my name blows! Jasmine tea - ass nasty, Jasmine incense - smells like shit, Jasmine rice – sucks, Jasmine body wash – skin drying, nose burning, fluid of puke. It seems to me that the only thing Jasmine that rocks is ME!

crabbydad said...

It's never the "Jasmine," Jasmine, it's the shit they pair with it. They just haven't found the right combination yet. (And for the record, I'm a big fan of Jasmine rice.)

Anonymous said...

not trying to rub it in that you don't have a TJ's, but here are my favorite of their teas, for next time you get down to chicago:

pomegranate white tea
Tazo "calm" (a chamomile blend)

Anonymous said...

I call that taste "old lady bath water." And tons of people like it. I used to manage a coffee and tea house and could barely bring myself to stock it.

Anonymous said...

oh - and the veggie corndogs are kickass!! freezer section.

Anonymous said...

I never had green tea that I liked until I tried some that I bought at Ten Ren, a tea store in Chinatown (in Chicago). It always tasted nasty. But get the real thing, buy it loose and brew it properly and it's marvelous. Could it be that the stuff in bags is just low-grade dog tea?

By the way, I like dogs and by no means was that meant as a slur...

Anonymous said...

I think it is an aquired taste, or maybe your cup still had soap in it. I am not a green tea fan (I find that most tastes like dirt). However, the TJ's Jasmine Green Tea is the only one that I can drink.

IF you want a fantastic tea, try Urth Cafe's Moroccan Mint. The best MM tea. You can get it online or if you are in LA at the Urth Cafe.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm I realize that this post is 2.5 years old now, but I LOVE TJ's Jasmine Green Tea! I am literally drinking some right now, and the only reason I stumbled upon this blog is because I am trying to see if Trader Joe's ever ships its products to other parts of the country. I recently moved to Dallas, and I'm running out of my favorite tea!

Anonymous said...

You have to let the water cool first, as it says on the package. Boiling water will always make terrible green tea.

Anonymous said...

As far as I'm concerned, ALL jasmine tea tastes like soap. Why anyone drinks it for pleasure, is beyond me.

TheBunnster said...

I am shocked to see that there are those who don't like TJ's Jasmine Green Tea, I think it's the most awesome jasmine tea. I have been hooked for about 10 years and drink it virtually everyday. I start to feel desperate when I'm getting below 5 boxes in the cupboard because I have to drive about 100 miles to a TJ's:-( That is unless one of my friends have planned a trip. I wish they would ship their products or open a store closer to my home, but thus far that isn't the case.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure the cup you used didn't have soap in it?
Jasmine does have that perfumed flavor - in anything it's paired with.
Jasmine Green Tea from Trader Joe's is my be-all, end-all favorite tea I've ever had. It's a favorite among my co-workers, also, and we drink a LOT of tea.
Maybe you just weren't prepared for it to be so fragrant?

Anonymous said...

Rose says- if you want a great jasmine green tea try Stassen's brand! It is wonderful

Green Tea drinker said...

It's a personal taste thing; I drink it by choice every night!

Mona Peters said...

I think it tastes like soap too, but I'm going to let the water cool down and try it again. The dragon pearl jasmine tea balls the size of little peas is a far better jasmine tea. All of it will taste bad when it is over a year old though.

Anonymous said...

I love this tea and I hate floral and soapy tasting stuff.