Thursday, February 23, 2006

Who Wears the Pants in This Family?

So, I'm getting my daughter (heretofore known as "Miss O") ready for school and she refuses to put on her jeans. "I don't like blue pants!" she whines. "I like turquoise and light blue and all the colors of the rainbow except dark blue." This kid. It's a total battle with her. My old lady and I trade off getting the kids ready each morning. She varies up the outfits for Miss O: pants one day, maybe a skirt the next, a dress, etc. I pretty much go for the pants/t-shirt option. For one, I think dresses on a four year old are pointless. She's going to be rolling around at school, running, jumping, getting coughed on by kids whose parents wouldn't keep them home even if they had hanta-virus. For another thing, I think she looks way cooler wearing some jeans with a Clash t-shirt or something. She's a kid, dammit. Oh, and whenever I do try to do a skirt or dress or something, the old lady kinda looks at it and says something like, "Wow. [pause] That's an interesting combination." Which basically means, "Are you colorblind, you moron. None of that crap goes together." That's the main reason Miss O gets the jeans and t-shirt treatment on my days.

Anyway, she's not buying the jeans today. And they're great jeans -- they've got cool flower things sewn on them and everything. Kind of an "Oilily-by-way-of-Target" vibe. She's not going for it. So I say, "You know, blue jeans are the most popular pants in the world. And if you lived in Russia, you probably wouldn't even OWN blue jeans. They're very hard to come by over there."

What am I TALKING about?! Where did that come from? Russia?! I don't even know if they still have a blue jean shortage over there. Or if they ever did. I think I got that from that Robin Williams movie where he played the Russian defector guy. You know... [looking up info on IMDB]... ah, "Moscow on the Hudson." I hated that movie. Although it had Maria Conchita Alonso in it. Hotchie mama! I always liked her. Her and that Elizabeth Pena... how do you do a tilde in HTML? Now it looks like Peena... it's actually pronounced "pain-ya"... whatever. She's 'caliente.' But that movie sucked. I remember we saw it for school, for some bizarre reason. Why would we see that for school? Was it for history class? What a lame-ass field trip. Although I do remember going to a movie in Spanish class that turned out to be some Spanish-language softcore porn film. That was awesome. We drive all the way out to some theater in Glencoe, or something, the movie starts, they're all speaking Spanish and stuff, and then there's this totally hot sex scene within the first five minutes. Senora Wilton [what an evil hag] hustled us out of there before we even got to see the dinero shot. Now that was a field trip. You know, thinking back, it was probably that movie that made me like Spanish so much. Hell, I was almost a Spanish major in college -- all because of some accidental Mexican porn in high school. And Maria Conchita Alonso. And Elizabeth Pain-ya. Ay, caramba!

Anywhich, long story short, I got Miss O into the blue jeans, for which she has a renewed respect. Russia. What an asshole. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell her that if she doesn't eat all her Frosted Mini Wheats, kids in Ethiopa are going to die.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Crabby Patty! The most shocking thing in Moscow on the Hudson wasn't the Russian denim black market thing. It was Robin William's hair body the bathtub! He's so hairy, I thought Jim Henson had his hand up his ass!