Sunday, February 19, 2006

Showering at the Y

I swim at the YMCA a few times a week. I'm starting to get in sort of a groove, finally, and it's very relaxing. No kids, no work -- just water. It's very womb-like. I'm up to about 46 lengths -- I don't know how long that is but I think it's about 80 miles or so. Anyway, enough about the swimming. It's the lockerroom where I'm having the problems. Specifically, the shower area.

All right, there are 10 showerheads. I try to pick one at either end, you know, so the next person who comes in doesn't feel crowded or threatened or whatever. I don't know. But every time I'm in there, some old hairy guy with big old balls picks the showerhead either right next to mine or right across from mine. What the shit?! And then they just start lathering the old balls... right at me. They lather forever. How clean do they want that thing? One guy picked the shower right next to me and he's up on one leg, sudsing some nether area, and he brushes my arm! I know! I'm like, "Dude, back off!" Of course I didn't say that, but come on! At least buy me a power bar first or something.

And I don't think these guys are coming onto me or anything. They're like old farmers who swim like 9000 laps all day, going about 1/2 a mile an hour. I think they just don't care anymore. They're just like "Yeah, gotta clean the old balls and I don't care who sees 'em. Maybe I'll point 'em at that longhair over there. Hey boy, check out my nads. That's what 95 year old nads look like. Here, I'll clean 'em off for ya so you can take a closer gander."

There's one guy who stands, completely unclad of course, in front of the automatic hand dryer, drying his old, prickly bird's nest of a bush for what seems like 20 minutes. Good lord, the guy's gonna have an afro down there when he's done. I expect to see one of those hair picks sticking out of there. What is with these guys?! They need a hobby or something. Go build a shed, gramps!

I'm so repulsed by the time I get out of there that I feel like I've got to rush home and take another shower to rinse off all the 'icky.' And everytime there's something else. It's like some sort of geriatric turkish bathhouse over there. I mean, I just want to swim, dudes.


Bintheir said...

OK! So swim, rinse fast and leave.
Every body wants to live long.
No body wants to get old.
Pray that your smooth bottomed babies get to become wrinkled in a long and far away future.

crabbydad said...

Good point, Bintheir. Though I will teach them to lather their wrinkles discretely.