Thursday, August 21, 2008

You Want A Slo-Poke or an All Day Sucker?

So, not to belabor this Weird Al thing ('cuz frankly, I really have zero desire to turn this blog into CrALbbydad), but Mr. Z has been curious about what the original versions of the songs in the "Polkarama" song sound like. There's tunes like "Beverly Hills," by Weezer and "Take Me Out," by Franz Ferdinand, but also "Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop, and "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. So I was showing him a couple of the videos, and he'd keep saying, "Wow, this is TOTALLY different!" basically meaning that he was scared of these musical misanthropes and wanted to quickly return to the oompah-pahcifying strains of the major-key, Yankovician tranquALity.

The one tune he keeps focusing on is "Candy Shop" by Fitty Cent. He and Miss O have been running around the crabbshack singing, "I'll take you to the candy shop/I'll let you lick a lollipop/Go 'head girl don't you stop/Keep goin' till you hit the spot, whoa!" So, like a fucking moron, I started to show them the video for the song, which is basically Fitty pulling up to a mansion in a Lamborghini and then opening the front door, revealing scads of fancy ladies, in sundry states of undressitude, puckering their dewy lips and gyrating their sundry dewy protuberances in his general direction. Now I'm no prude, mind you, but I just didn't really feel like explaining to the spawnage what the phrase "you gon' back that thing up, or should I push up on it?" meant at that particular moment.

So, at dinner tonight, we had this exchange:

MR. Z: So, dad, I still don't get what that guy means by "I'll take you to the candy shop"?

ME: Well, I already explained that it's just a metaphor. He's just comparing that house with all those women in it to a candy shop. You know how you and Miss O really like candy? Well, he really likes houses with lots of women in them.

MR. Z: So what does he mean by "I'll let you lick my lollipop"?

ME: Um...

OLD LADY: (quickly jumping in) It's kinda like kissing!

ME: (after laugh-blowing a giant snot outta my nose) That's right. Kissing.

MISS O: Yuck.

ME: Hey, who wants dessert?!

I'm sorry, but I just can't handle the spawnage getting into that spum-laden misogynist bullshit. Fuck it, I'm just gonna disconnect the MTV, throw out the radios and buy an assload of Burl Ives records. And then, when Mr. Z hits his teens, I'll let him listen to the nice, wholesome music I listened to at that age -- the Ramones, Ted Nugent, the Sex Pistols, Bow Wow Wow, the Dead Kennedys and Iron Maiden.

(By the way, just in case you're keeping count, this mess of a post was #600. No wonder I'm so fucking tired.)


Lacy said...

This post calls for so many record-scratch-then-complete-silence sound effects, i lost count.

crabbydad said...

And, of course, ending with the requisite "blipblop."

Sarah said...

600. Very impressive. Too bad we didn't bake you one of those giant cakes that they show on entertainment tonite when shows get to 100 episodes and their futures are set through syndication residuals. Man... you must be really set with 600.

Al question... is he the artistic genius typically behind the videos too? I'm always impressed with the wide visual sense he has too. (assuming it is his visual sense).


Carolyn (sea mystery) said...

Happy 600! You don't look a day over ###. :) Gotta say though, I thoroughly enjoy reading your crabbyisms, just makes my day. Have a good one!

Kim said...

Yeah, play a little Stranglehold or Wang Dang Sweet Poontang for Mr. Z. That'll knock Fitty right outta his brain.

I love me some Ted. Yes I do.

leslie said...

"It's kinda like kissing."
Score one for Mrs. Crabby.
Now that's what I call thinking fast...

Ludovica said...

LOL this makes me laugh so much.
I'm a HUGE MEGA Weird Al fan myself and I know just what you mean. Now Weird Al likes to put out a very family friendly image to the world, but he also likes to have a little fun with that idea as well and picks some of the most controversial songs possible to polka and to parody. It's a bit of a challenge, as I think you discovered!.
Weird Al really isn't a kids entertainer, but what he does is quite gently questioning a lot of our perceptions, sometimes in ways we can find difficult, but thats kind of funny too. The whole candy shop metaphor is kinda artificially coy in itself, pushing the envelope in a rather immature way... as Bob Dylan said "Why don't you just come out once and SCREAM it?"
I think thats what is being lampooned here. All the same, I think Al has a lot of fun with some of the songs he picks on... "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails being a particularly mischievous choice which never fails to crack me up laughing at the thought of how people justify that to their kids.
Al's sometimes a naughty boy.. but it's all just a bit of fun really!!

Tiffany said...

So in essence, what you're saying is...Weird Al is gateway music to the harder stuff.

Ludovica said...

Ha! Well, I dunno about that, that seems a tad pejorative, but I guess the answer to that might be yes. I have to say I only came to NiN via Weird Al myself, so it'd be senseless to deny it.

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