Tuesday, August 12, 2008


All right, will someone please tell me what the shit I'm supposed to do about those goddamn magazine subscription people who come to the door every other week? Seriously, word is out that I'm Pushover VonSuckerberg and they're flocking to the crabbshack like horseflies to shitballs... the horseflies being them and the shitballs, I guess, being me.

I mean, I've read an assload of articles about how horribly these people are treated, how they're plied with drugs and beaten and they barely make any money and the vans that take drive them from state to state have never passed emission standards and run over baby bunnies and chipmunks and, instead of gas, they run on the blood of orphaned kittens and they steal everyone's credit card numbers and then come back to your house when you're not home and use all your spoons to cook their "works" in, and they go through your underwear drawer and stick your toothbrush in their asscracks and perform unspeakable acts on all your doorknobs, and shit. I understand all that.

But when this person is standing there, selling the shit out of these magazines, I mean just workin' the pitch, and saying how they're trying to improve their public speaking skills and, by the way, "how am I doing so far?" and telling you about how they're really doing this so they don't have to be out on the streets selling drugs, and they're trying to make a better life for themselves and their 11 kids, and they're just five subscriptions away from a bonus, which means they can buy that iron lung for baby Jimmy, who was born with a hole in his spleen god bless his soul, and can't I just find it in my heart to buy one subscription, or not even buy a subscription, just extend a subscription we're already getting 'cuz any little bit helps.

And I fucking babble something like, "Weeelll... we sure have a lot of subscriptions already and--"

"Oh, you don't even have to buy yourself a subscription," they add. "You can purchase a subscription for the LOCAL BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB who could really use magazines for all those poor little children who are just DYING for something to read, something other than the foreclosure notices tacked up onto their front doors."

And then I'm fucked, and I say, "Okay, then, how much is a subscription for, say, Jack & Jill magazine for the Boys & Girls Club," thinking it can't be THAT much can it? And they say, "Oh, that's a cheap one -- only 43 dollars!" And I'm all, "What the shit?!" and they're all, "God bless you, kind sir," and I'm all, "Fuck! That's like the fifth subscription I've been talked into this month," and they're all, "SUCKER! I'm gonna clear 75 cents on this sale -- just enough for a coupla band-aids to apply to the contusions I'm gonna get when my boss finds out I only sold four subscriptions," and I'm all, "Let me get my checkbook."

So I'm like a prisoner in the fucking house all day -- afraid to answer the goddamn door because I might get maga-zinged. And the doorbell rings like every half hour already, 'cuz the Old Lady orders shit from Zappos or Mini Boden or Banana Republic every other day, and I have to peek out the upstairs window to see if there's a delivery truck in the driveway, and if there isn't, I have to cower under my desk until they go away. And I--

WAIT! There it goes again! DAMMIT! Shh! Don't say anything. SHHHHH!!!!


Burbanmom said...

That's when it's actually in your favor to be an eco-dork. Cuz you can be all "oh, I'm sorry, I don't buy any subscriptions because magazines are made from paper and deforestation is one of the major contributors to global warming. And if the planet gets all hot, then Johnny's iron lung won't do him a damn bit of good. Come back when you start selling carbon offsets or whatnot."

Try it next time and see what happens.

Carolyn (sea mystery) said...

Or you can tell them, "Sorry the, insert name of cause here, just beat you to my last buck." or "Oh, I thought you were Publisher's Clearinghouse with my check. Sorry gotta go." Calmly closing the door in their startled face.

queen lisa of montreal said...

Brilliant, just freakin' brilliant post. Loved it. Thanks, CD

ib mommy said...

We used to interrupt with the old "I'll be happy to listen to what you have to say but first let me tell you about how much my life has changed since we found Jesus and, son, yours can too" speech. Until we got one that screamed "ME TOO!!". Now we just have a no soliciting sign on the door.

crabbydad said...

Burban, good idea. Though I'm sure there's a script path for them when someone brings up the paper issue. Probably something like, "I understand your concern. Perhaps you'd be interested in a copy of 'Hemp Fancy' magazine, printed with organic inks on 100% recycled hemp rolling papers."

Carolyn, it would never work. They'd know I was lying and I'd end up feeling guilty and buying TWO subscriptions.

Thanks, Queen. I think I--SHIT! There's the doorbell again. SHHH!

IB, I think the sign's the way to go. Or we could move. That might be easier. Yep, we're moving.

Sarah J said...

Want to buy some M&Ms so I can have a new band uniform?

It is a fine line between Jack & Jill subscriptions and Thin Mints, sadly, says the GS Leader.

ANYHOO... wonder if you could write a $41 donation to the boys and girls clubs and then give the door to door person $2? Of course, you would also have to let them live with you so that they avoid the wrath of the van driver.

Can't you give us puzzles that are easier to solve?