Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Cut of Your Gib... lets...

So, I rarely shave because, well, because I work in my basement and never see people... and because shaving is just what the MAN would want me to do. Stupid man. Anywhich, on the rare occasion that I do decide to de-beard, I've found that the electric razor is the way to go -- I don't have to buy new blades or shaving cream and it only trims it down to a nice five-o-clock shadow so I can get that Fred Flintstone look that's such a hit with the ladies.

Now, up until a few weeks ago, I would just shave at the bathroom sink and watch as the blizzard of facial pubery rained down about me. When finished, I'd attempt to clean up all the whiskerettes but I'd inevitably miss a few thousand, usually the ones stuck to the soap and those resting peacefully atop the Old Lady's toothbrush. Needless to say, my shaving routine ended up as another tick mark in the Old Lady's "Things That Repulse Me about Crabbydad" ledger.

Then I had the brilliant idea of shaving in the shower. Not with the water on, mind you -- I'm not that dim... yet. But every week or so, before my morning hosing off, I'll stand in the shower with a mirror in hand and shear away. It's a perfect solution -- all the whiskerinos drop down into the little mesh sombrero in the drain and the Old Lady can brush her teeth without tasting my face.

Usually, I'll wear my boxers during this procedure, mainly because it's kinda chilly in the shower and it offers me a bit of ass warmth. But today I strode in undraped for some reason. I'm impulsive that way, I guess. Now, the problem with being nekkid while you're shaving your face is that, once you're done, you're just standing there, razor a-buzzin' in hand, looking for something else to trim up. And believe me, as a flocculant fellow, I've got a lot of potential trimmables.

I think we all know where this is going, don't we. I thought I'd do a little manscaping, as the kids call it nowadays. Clip the ol' thicket, if you will. To be honest, a rototiller would have been more appropriate than a clipper, but I digress. Now, the razor I have comes with an attachment that can raise or lower the clipping level -- kind of a safety feature so you don't trim too close to anything you don't want to lop off.

I, of course, didn't use said attachment. No, I just dove right in, blades a-slicin', ready to do some serious topiary action in my hedgerow. A little off the sides here, a bit off the top, maybe a few clips "under the hood." Frankly, I got a little carried away.

When the fur finally stopped a-flying, I realized what I had done. Without getting into too much detail, I basically gave my junk a "Betty Page." Actually, it looked more like the bastard love child of Betty Page and Jimmy Durante. My first thought was, "The fellas at the gym are sure in for a surprise when this 'pin-up' enters the showers." I don't know how I could've made "that area" any more ridiculous than it already looked, but I sure found a way.

And then, as I was checking out the rest of my handiwork, I noticed a little raw patch in the undercarriage area. Was that... was that blood?! Yes, apparently as I was pruning the "belly of the beast" I got a little too close and gave myself a second circumcision, of sorts. Excellent! Nothing like a cut on the ol' Chancellor to brighten one's day! So, not only do I get to enjoy the itch of the regrowth of my buzz-cut ground cover, I also get to enjoy the sensation of my schmekel scabbing over.

I'm gonna grow a beard.


Monica said...

I respectfully refer to my own comment of January 29. Who knows where it will all end...(no no, not there!)

crabbydad said...

Monica, you hit the nail on the head... so to speak.

Kim said...

WHAT? No pictures? You are cruel man indeed. So how much abuse and laughter did you endure from the Old Lady after your pruning?

crabbydad said...

Here's a pic, Kim:

And the Old Lady hasn't seen it yet. Maybe it'll be a late night Valentine's day gift.


nora said...

I really shouldn't laugh so hard a work. The tears running down my face might have been a bit much.

My dad uses his electric razor in his truck - on his face, don't make me think about the other parts. That always makes for a fun trip.

Russ said...

Takes me back to when I got my snip-snip. No guard for me there. Big mistake.

Yucky McNasty said...