Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Wedge of Night...

"I haven't had a single night of acid reflux since buying the wedge pillow. Definitely worth every penny!" -- Signed, Stew McAcid

My reflux situation was getting so hein-ass that I was becoming desperate. I had resorted to trolling heartburn message boards to find an elusive magic bullet and noticed that a lot of threads discussed these wedge pillows that elevate one's head so the stomach acid doesn't bubble up into one's esophagus while sleeping.

What the shit... why not?! The heartburn relief tea I got was total fuckshit and the dickfers who got me to drink pickle juice had pretty much succeeded in burning another hole or two in my already hole-ridden digestive system. Fucking pickle juice. Assholes!

So I drove on over to Bed, Bath & Bewildered and picked up the "Bed Wedge Pillow" for $29.99:

Looks harmless enough, right? The Old Lady guffawed in my face when I lugged that thing into the house. I told her, "Laugh it up, sister! You're lucky this is only reflux I'm dealing with. It won't be long before I'm coming home with support hose and one of them toilet-chair contraptions!"

Cut to midnight and I'm lying down on my new wedge, ready for an acid-free, cozy journey into slumberland.

How did it go? Well, here's a photo of me getting out of bed this morning:

FUCK THE WEDGE PILLOW! Holy crapstain that thing ripped me multiple new ones. I would've been better off sleeping in a wheelbarrow... filled with anvils... and snakes. I swear to shit I can barely stand up straight now. I tried to take a piss today and I literally could not look down to see if I was even getting it anywhere near the bowl. I think both of my clavicles are broken. And if you ever had a desire to sneak up on me, do it now, 'cuz I couldn't turn my fucking neck if my life depended on it.

But you know what... my reflux wasn't as bad today...


Sarah J said...

But at least you have lovely wallpaper.

Diana (Diane) Maria said...

I just found your blog and I love it.
I don't usually laugh at one's pain but that photo made me fall off my chair and I'm still laughing.
I'll be back here soon.
Great stuff!

Lizzy said...

See Bur After Reading for future wedge pillow uses.

Anonymous said...

"Burn After Reading."

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