The O-Ring of Fire (3)....

... My second theory is that my oh-so-delicate "escape hatch" has become sensitized to the Cottonelle Moist Wipes I use on a daily basis. As you may or may not know, a couple of years ago, I pretty much ditched traditional toilet paper for the miracle that is the “moist wipe.” (And you're welcome for that news flush.) Cleaning up with those babies is akin to having the tongue of god lick your ass clean… I'd imagine. But lately, it’s been starting to sting a little when I swipe one of those fuckers down there and I’m beginning to think that maybe my anal immune system is rebelling agin’ the perfumes, chemicals and unguents infused in said wipes. (My ass has always been a bit of a rebel.)

Of course, installing a bidet would probably remedy the situation but that would cost a butt-load and there is really no extra space for a French ass sink in our tiny bathroom. No, the quickest solution to this problem would be to sit in a vat of peanut butter and have the dog lick my ass clean. I mean, he already loves licking his own ass and he fucking loves the taste of peanut butter... and shit. Frankly, it would be a win-win-win for him. But there is that slim chance that I’d be caught. Hmm... that’d be a tough one to explain away…