Sunday, April 12, 2009

Fowl Play...

I'm pretty sure a dove tried to kill me tonight.

This morning, I went into the garage to get the paper and as I got ready to hit the door opener, I bird darted outta some invisible space/time continuum rip and started flapping in my stupid face. I got the door opened and it eventually flew the fuck out of there but not before infarcting my goddamn infarcter.

I figured the thing must've built a nest in there somewhere, so I looked around until I saw a bunch of twiggy looking shit on top of the garage door opener mechanism box thingy. I climbed up a ladder and not only did I find the nest, but I also found a lone egg perched atop it. So, I did the only humane thing to do and scooped up the nest/egg combo, walked to a tree in front of the house and wedged it amongst the twiggery.

Now I know you're not supposed to move a nest or touch an egg 'cuz then you'll give it human cooties and the bird will never touch it again, but what the shit -- I wasn't gonna leave it in there and risk getting my eyeballs pecked out by an overprotective mother hen... er, dove. Besides, I'm still so fucking pissed at those goddamn woodpeckers that ALL BIRDS are on my shit-list, so fuck them. Did I mention that our car was pancaked with dovey ass-batter? Well it was, so it's ON.

Cut to tonight, as I'm out back grilling up some veggies for dinner, when I hear a giant fucking crash echo through the crabby'hood. I thought someone's basketball backboard crashed to the ground or maybe Miss O found a live grenade in the street, so I walked around front and saw that the garage door had crashed down onto one of the plastic sleds that Mr. Z was fucking around with this afternoon, and the Old Lady was trying to extricate what was left of the sled from the door's death jaws. The cables from the pulley things on either side of the door had completely snapped and the door smashed down, hermetically sealing our garage in a Tutankhamenian sarCARphagus.

We tried to pull the door up but that fucking door weighs like a fuckillion pounds and we barely got it lifted a half-millimeter before my hyena popped out. Motherfucker! And, of course, both cars are IN the garage so we're basically fucked until we get the thing fixed.

So yeah, the dove did it, I'm convinced. I touched its stupid egg so it sabotaged our garage. Garagotaged! I'm giving the woodpecker the day off tomorrow and I'm going after that fucker. And if all goes as planned, the crabbyfamily's gonna be having some squab and eggs for dinner tomorrow night.

4 comments:

Russ said...

Somewhere, Alfred Hitchcock is smiling!

Anonymous said...

Oh geez, thank you for that one.

Anonymous said...

You are fucking hysterical!

ed said...

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