Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Why Don't YOU Shower and I'LL Show Her...

Now that Mr. Z's in middle school, recess is, as Heidi Klum says, "out" and gym-class-every-day is "in." The boy's not too thrilled with that concept, being an "inside kid" and all. But he's a trooper and he's rolling with it. And along with daily gym class comes the ol' post-gym-class NUDE SHOWER! I remember 'splainin' this to the boy before the year started and he was basically like, "Seriously?! I have to shower with a buncha dudes at the same time... with all our wieners showing and everything?!" But he seemed fairly cool with the idea, so I dropped the wiener-talk.

Well, cut to last week, and Mr. Z tells me that when the gym teacher told them to "hit the showers," he and his friend Mr. J were the ONLY TWO DUDES WHO HIT SAID SHOWERS! And it's been that way ever since! I asked him about it and he said, "Everyone else makes some kind of excuse, like 'I don't want to get my hair wet,' or 'I already showered this morning,' but I was all sweaty and it would've been totally gross going to class like that."

Hear hear, Mr. Z! Let's hear it for logic and a keen understanding of personal hygiene (read: 10-year-old-assfunk). The boy is fearless! I asked him if it was weird being one of the only kids to shower, and he said, "No... why?" EXACTLY! It's not weird to shower when you're all sweaty. What's fucking weird is running around for a half an hour, peeling off your drenched gym togs, and then sliding your slimy ass and all that pre-pubescent fromunda cheese back into your clean nappies. Let that heady brew stew for the rest of the day and you, my friend, have got yourself a recipe for a yeasty, smoldering case of rotting generals.

I've spent all this time worrying about Mr. Z making the transition to middle school, what with him being a coupla years younger than everyone else in his class, but here he is chillaxin' and just being a total dude. (By the way, he used the word "chillaxin'" the other day and I almost snorked an entire turkey sandwich outta my left nostril, I laughed so hard.) Anywhich, there may still be some rough patches to come, this year, but I'm tellin' ya, the boy is just doing a stellar job in the going-with-the-flowage department.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, when the fuck did showering after gym class become optional?! I remember Mr. Batista, at Shepherd Jr. High, standing there every goddamn day eyeballin' every single one of our pinkie-sized dorks, not checking off our names on his fucking clipboard until he deemed our micro marble pouches sufficiently spotless and sparkly. It was fucking creepy as hell and may be the reason that, today, I can only shower fully clothed.

But leave it to my son the naturist to reclaim the shower area for the crabbyfamily! And to show him just how proud I am, tomorrow I shall bathe sockless!

10 comments:

Burbanmom said...

Good for him! And I'm betting he and his shower buddy will be the only kids with girlfriends by month's end!

Anonymous said...

My "baby" (now 17 and a senior at OHS) used to say "chillax." Then I said it one day and he was so disgusted. Cuz once I say some cool slang that he says, apparently he can never use the word again. Or so he says. I tell the dogs to chillax, but they still don't speak English.

crabbydad said...

Burbanmom, let's refrain from using the term "shower buddy." How 'bout just "friend" or "pal."

Anon, do you mean OHS as in Okemos High School? Holy carp, a local? I gotta watch what I say now. Damn. And who's to say that your dogs don't speak English. Maybe they're so chillaxed, they're just playin' it cool. Here's a test -- hold a Milkbone in front of them and then say, "Free Milkbone for the first dog who says 'Ooh! Me, me, ME!!!" They'll talk.

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

Go Mr. Z! I applaud the boy's innocent bravery!

We had a "butch" gym teacher who would smack us on the back-crack when we left the shower area to get dressed. She said, "Just to make sure you were wet." How would that happen if we had just toweled off? She was truly a freak. They caught her and the woman shop teacher feeling each other up behind the bleachers. Was so glad they were both gone right after that. *shudder*

leslie said...

What was with the gym teachers and their clipboard fetish?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6VUNnC3QdE&feature=related

Jasper Mockingbard said...

Elementary kids come to school stinking. PE just makes it worse. Apparently, poor, trailer park kids don't think bathing is important.

thea said...

No one EVER dared to shower in Jr. High or High School gym class, at least on the girl's side of the locker room. You were opening yourself up for torment and behind the back ridicule, at least that's what we imagined.

I remained smelly, body conscious and insecure, just like the majority of my peers.

Forever in smelly blue jeans,
Class of 1998

Jerry said...

I'm with you CD. When did showering become optional? Two of my grade school pictures have me with wet hair. If I had the choice, I would have remained stinky.

Now that we're older, sweatier, and hairier, who cares if you're naked. It's all about being clean.

PE sucked.

Anonymous said...

Im in high school now and the showers are not mandatory. However, most people do. Only, the funny thing about it is that I am the only one who is ok showering nude. We dont have a creepy teacher that watches us or anything, and I would definitly rather shower in private but there is no way i would ever feel clean after bathing in sweaty boxers (like my classmates do). So as it stands now it is totally acceptable to smell like crap and bath yourself only partly. I, for one, am not ashamed and would rather be clean than embarrased.

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