Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Spreadin' Those Nuts on a Daily Basis...

Peaner-burr and jelly. That's what Mr. Z has eaten for lunch EVERY SINGLE DAY since he started going to school. Literally. He even eats it for lunch at home. That's peaner-burr and jelly in second grade, third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade and now sixth grade -- every fucking day.

Don't get me wrong -- I love peaner-burr. Still slap together an occasional nutty/jelly-y treat myself, now and again. But when I was a wee crablette, I varied the fucker up a little. PB&J one day, a Carl Buddig turkey and mustard sammy the next. You remember Carl Buddig -- that sliced turquee brick that was so microtome-thinly-sliced that you could practically read a fucking book through it. Ah, Carl Buddig. I remember wrapping a couple slices of that shit around a baby dill gherkin and then wrapping that in a Kraft Single and choking the whole thing down as I knelt in front of the open cold cuts drawer in my parents' fridge.

Sorry, I just ralphed up into the back of my nose for a second there.

Anywhich, I'm having a fucking fucker of a time trying to break the boy out of the PB&J death-grip he's got on his lunches. The lad will not budge. Turkey sammy? Fuck no. Chicken salad? Nuh-uh. Tuna? Are you fucked?! I could be a real dick and stick a hard-boiled egg in his lunch, like my mom used to do to me, but I consider that a form of child abuse, so that's out. I'm seriously starting to worry that he's gonna get some sort of peaner-burr-related affliction. Like a peanut-butter goiter, or peanut-burrsitis.

I'm beseeching you, dear reader -- gimme some suggestions! There's gotta be some sort of non-legume-and-jelled-fruit-based sandwich making material out there that he'll allow to pass into his peanut-burr-caked maw. What is it?! Oh, and as the boy stated to a waitress who asked him if he wanted bacon with his pancakes at a restaurant back in Park Ridge, IL when he was about four years old, "We don't eat mammals," so keep that in mind.

Winner gets a free CD, if I ever get around to finishing that fucker. (And to win, he must not only eat the item suggested, but must also ask to have it worked into the lunch-option rotation... a rotation that, up until now, only involves a rotating peaner-burr and jelly sammich.)

25 comments:

Kim said...

I understand Mr. Z's affliction, err, obsession. Whenever I carried my lunch to school, it was ham and cheese. Once in a great, great while, I'd mix it up with a diabetes-inducing peanut butter and brown sugar sammie. Deelish!

Anyhoo, the family I work for has a bitchin' panini press, so what do I make for lunch every single day? Yup. Ham and cheese, 'cept it's all warm and flat and squishy. SO good.

For Mr. Z: perhaps a hummus sammie? The vegetarians I used to work for fed that to their kids all the time and they loved it. Thick sliced wheat bread with lotsa beany hummusy goodness. Not my thing, but hummus is pretty nutritious.

Good luck with the lunch dilemma. I think the whole PJ & J thing bugs you more than it bugs him!

Todd S. said...

I think the key (because I too shared the PB&J affliction as a wee lad)...is to vary it a bit, but not so far off target.

Start by incorporating different things... PB&Marshmallow Creme....PB&Bananas....PB&Pickles (kosher dill spears work best for this one, dills contrast too much with the sweet creaminess of the PB).

It's still PB, but the J part is out of the picture and from there, shouldn't be TOO hard to slowly slide into other non-Peanut-buddy combinations.

That's just my two cents.

Burbanmom said...

Todd stole my suggestion. He just got here first.

I was the same as your Mr. Z. when I was a kid. If wasn't PB&J or a hot dog, I didn't eat it. But now? Well, let's just say there are very few things I WON'T eat. So indulge the kid - let him eat what he wants - and be happy he's getting some protein. His tastes will change when he hits the teen years and you won't be able to keep enough food in the house.

Russ said...

Man, I wish I had something for you. My boy is on the same lunch rotation (although it has only been for about a year now).

About the only thing that we can shoehorn into his diet after the pb&j is instant mac-n-cheeze. So feel free to try that, admittedly that is a bit tough for school, but he does have to eat on the weekends.

Anonymous said...

We send our son to school with a Quesadilla. He has a limited food likes right now but for some reason he will east a cheese and bean quesadilla. We also have to send an ample supply of ketchup. I never knew that ketchup goes with so many foods.

Lizzy said...

Burritos. Wrap any mammal free foodstuff in a tortilla, and send him away. He'll devour it.

leslie said...

I do not see a problem...

Does he have one preferred flavor of jelly? Grape? Strawberry?
Is he a 'cruncy' or 'smooth'?
Jiff or Peter Pan?
Whole wheat or white?
Toast or fresh?

There are a ton of vairables within the pb&j realm.
I am a Laura Scudder's All Natural Chunky with raspberry jam. On any bread available, preferably an artisan multigrain, microwaved for 20 seconds before applying the peanut butter...

Sarah said...

Must be in the water, my nephew .. also of Park Ridge, IL... has a similar lack of variety in his life. However, he is deathly allergic to peanuts...so he takes white bread and jelly sandwiches. Every. Damn. Day. I think Z is getting the better deal. You could always try a different nut butter. But, there really isn't much better for you than nuts! There are some really excellent nut butters at Trader Joes.. oh wait. you have to go Park Ridge for that. Yes, Crabby...there is now a Trader Joes in PR. Probably waited to open their doors until after you left.

Jason said...

Another baby-step away from PB&J: peanut butter & Nutella.

It's like a Reese's sandwich. It sounds like a coma on bread, and yes, it is.

It most blessedly is.

Anonymous said...

i ate pb&j evry day grade 1-6 i eventioly got tired of it. now i just eat school luntch. try pb& pickle or banana.

Charles V. said...

OMFG I am laughing so hard, It's "cheese grills" for my son. Nothing else, how does he survive??

melpaco said...

Oh Man, I didn't realize this was so common. Corn dogs, every day, (well at daycare anyway), the smell alone makes me want to gag. I would love it if my son would eat PB&J. He's got 2 years before he hits first grade and has to pick a lunch that doesn't require a microwave. I've tried packing other things but apparently he would rather starve. Nutritionally I think your good, at least he's eating something.

seizuresalad said...

Aw, he'll be OK. Let him have the PBJ's.

I'm more struck by the fact that you ate the same snack I loved as a kid, except my deli meat was summer sausage wrapped around a Kraft single wrapped around a pickle.

I thought I was the only one, sniff. I still do it when no one is looking.

Anonymous said...

Your time with your kids is to short to waste any of it trying to get him to eat a variety of foods. He'll get there. School's tough - maybe it makes him feel safe to know his PB&J is waiting for him at lunch time. Tell him you're going to quit bugging him about it. But ask him in return to let you know if he ever decides he'd like something different.

crabbydad said...

Wow, who knew I'd strike such a strong chord with the pb&j post?! And, for the record, I don't really have a problem with him liking peaner-burr. My concern is that he's gonna burn out on it and then I won't have a backup plan.

But I like a lot of the suggestions. We have nutella, and a dark-chocolate peaner-burr that we got for Miss O, so I'll give those a try. Don't know if I'm gonna go the peaner-burr/dill pickle route -- it's a bitch cleaning barf out of a lunchbox. I also like the burrito idea. I've got it! I'll spread peaner-burr and jelly on a tortilla and roll it up into a burrito-butter and jelly emparedado! Que bueno!

Thanks for all the idears, everyone! We'll see how the nutella-burr sammie goes tomorrow.

Tiffany said...

Here's what I don't get about my son's pickiness when it comes to food: The boy will eat: sushi, sweetbreads, calamari, smelt, and cow stomach...(his dad's a chef...go figure)

but if a pickle has so much as sat NEXT to his food, that meal's not going anywhere near his mouth.

The same holds true for mustard, tomatoes and..oh yeah...fucking, plain old deliciously fatty BUTTER!

Innisanimate said...

I'm sure this is no upgrade nutritionally, but 2nd to my heart next to PB&J is the BCKM... the Bologna, Cheese, Ketchup and Mustard Sandwich. Although it says bologna is meat, I'm pretty sure that is strictly wishful thinking on Oscar Mayer's part.

crabbydad said...

Thanks for the ideas, Tiff. I think I'll put a sweetbreads burrito in his lunch, today!

And Innis, your sandwich sounds dangerously close to the official sandwich of the BTK killer. (Although, I used to really dig bologna/cheese/ketchup sammies as a lad. Mustard on that combo is a crime, though.)

BrianL said...

To add to Mr. Innis' bologna idea, Trader Joes offers a fabulous NON-meat bologna. It tastes like Oscar Mayer, but it surely is not.

If you're interested, C-Dad, I'll send you a pack. Ooh, and some nice Soy-cheddar slices. Num-num-num.

Leigh said...

I loved (and still do) sliced swiss cheese and sliced tomatoes on sourdough. Maybe some mayo and coarse mustard if preferred, and of course you could try a different cheese. Not melted - cool and crisp. It's also simple like PB&J, not mixing too many flavors.

Anonymous said...

Fluffernutter

Jasper Mockingbard said...

peanut butter and pimento cheese is my first choice.

or apple butter and kraft singles.

Memories of those sandwiches take me back to 3rd grade.

Jerry said...

I think you're probably fighting a losing battle. I took a jelly sandwich (no PB) to school for nine straight years! Finally it wasn't cool to bring a sack lunch in high school, so I broke down and ate the cafeteria food.

Better stock up on Jif and Smuckers!

Anonymous said...

pb&pickle sammys are delishous thank you verry mutch. i agree with tiffany's son i love sushi in my luntch. i also injoy mini tomato basil focaccias. i thinck super targit has them. GIVE THE PICKLES A TRY!

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