Sunday, November 02, 2008

One Last Thing...

Okay, time in... for a sec. You know how Miss O has these goddamn warts on two of her toes and she basically won't let anyone touch them without screaming like she's being murdleized? And how, in between traumatic visits to the doctor (traumatic for him, not Miss O), we're supposed to have been putting this Compound W on these monstrosities, but then that shit just cakes up on top of their wartliness, and we have to somehow remove this wart-cake in order to apply some more, so we're not just compounding the Compound W with more Compound W? And when we do this, Miss O screams so fucking loud that the neighbors are SO gonna call the cops, especially since she's screaming shit like, "DON'T DADDY! DON'T DO THAT!!! IT HURTS ME!!! IT HURTS!!! STOP IT DADDY!!!!" Yeah, try explaining THAT one to the fucking cops.

Well, now Miss O's doctor, who is this close to giving up medicine because of Miss O's bi-weekly visits, wants us to use a NAIL FILE and file these mofos down in between appointments! What the shit, doc?! Why don't you just tell me to singe 'em off with an arc-welder. Ya fucking sadistic fuckshit.

Anywhich, we told Miss O that we're going to file them this afternoon, instead of tonight, because when we do try to do it at night, she gets so fucking worked up, as do we, that no one can get to fucking sleep when it's all over. So, we told her we're firing up the emery board as soon as she's done with her homework. She was just furiously writing, and I thought she was working on said homework. Instead, she handed me this:



I wonder if a belt-sander would be quicker?

9 comments:

Natasha said...

This is weird, but when I was 8 I had a wart on my foot in a place that hurt. The doctor told me to put magic marker all over it, then put a band aid over it and continue to do it every night, not removing the band aid all day. Well, I swear to God it worked! Now that was 30 years ago so I have no idea which kind of marker it was but that's my experience. Worth a try maybe!

Kim said...

Poor Miss O and her wartitude. I'm sorry her medical treatment is compounding her misery.

Get it? COMPOUNDING?

I slay me.

Monica said...

Do you see? Do you SEE? How certain of us, are just HERE and waiting for the pearls?
OK, the warts. MY daughter had'em and got them zapped and some stuff remained. She was given something called "Certain-Dri" which are anti-perspirant pads to apply every night for the rest of her life till the warts go away. The active ingredient is AlCL3 or aluminum chloride, also in many deodorants NOT made in Maine by Tom. I think it's is similar to the duct tape principle...or not.

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

Poor Miss O ... but dang that was funny! Yeah, the police are like that aren't they? Unless it's outside my apartment and people are screaming, then they don't even show up.

queen lisa of montreal said...

Poor Miss O and her warty toes. An emery board? Seriously? That just sounds like the doctor is getting revenge for what she puts him through!

Jeremy said...

That note is my new desktop picture.

leslie said...

I was told to get rid of warts to steal raw meat from my mother, and bury it on the North side of the house... just sayin'.

And you thought you'd get in the last word on this here abandoned blog...HA!

Slick said...

Awww man, poor little Miss O

make sure you use that heavy sandpaper that has a lot of grit.

Who needs toenails anyway?

Lisav said...

try teatree oil... got rid of all the warts on all the feet in my friends house... her daughters are a bit younger than Miss O...

She swears by the stuff. You can get it in health food stores, or find someone who sells Melaluca products.. that's do it.