I'm pretty sure I'm dying of Radon poisoning. It's a slow kinda dying and really only involves minor discomfort so far, so I suppose if you've gotta go, Radon poisoning is really not that bad of an option.
So I'm down here in the basement all day, freezing my nardules off because it's about 20 degrees colder down here than in the rest of the house. And since the Old Lady likes to set the air conditioner to about 1, that makes it about -19 down here. It's 99 degrees outside, my test-cicles have retreated up around my neck in this ice dungeon and I'm sportin' a fleece jacket and wool socks. (I have other things on, too, like pants, shirt and my unmentionables but they don't illustrate the coldness factor that well, so I didn't mention them.)
How does the Radon fit in, you ask? How the fuck should I know -- the Radon has probably already eaten away the part of my brain that would understand how it fits in. All I do know is that, all of a sudden, I've got issues with asthma that I've never had before, have to use this goddamn inhaler two times a day, my stomach is bloated all the time and I'm always tired as shit. If that's not Radon poisoning then, honey, I don't know what is. (Actually, it's more likely attributed to the fact that I'm 47 years old and that's what happens when you run your flesh suit full-throttle for 47 fucking years straight without changing the oil or emptying your spit valve.)
Anywhich, I bought one of those home Radon Test Kits from the creeps over at Ace Hardware. Actually, they're not all creepy... mostly just the older woman who seems completely normal until she turns away from you to go find your compact fluorescent light bulbs and you see the kiwi fruit-sized flesh orb sticking out the back of her head, coyly peeking out of her curly, gray tresses. I swear I could see the thing breathing. I shouldn't poke fun at it, of course -- mostly because it might pop and because that's probably what my fucking skin tag's gonna look like in a couple of months. To her credit, her flesh nubbin did have quite a nice shine to it, though. Maybe I could get some nubbin-buffin' tips out of her.
What was I talking about? Right, the Radon test kit. Bought it about three months ago and stuck it to the top of my computer monitor -- right in the thick o' the noxious death cloud I suck in throughout the day. I just shipped it off to the testing company on Monday and they say I'll get the results in about two weeks. I can't wait -- it's like waiting for a college acceptance letter! "Dear Crabbydad, We are pleased to inform you that your basement is chock full o' radioactive outgasses and that you have, at best, months to live. Congratulations!"
I've started pricing iron lungs and I think I found the perfect one:
I used to be such an iron-lung-half-empty kinda guy but I really feel like I'm more of an iron-lung-half-full kinda guy now. Things are looking up!