Friday, September 18, 2009

Some Pig(s)...

Well, I've tried to defend and advocate for as long as I could but after this morning, I've realized I must relent and admit that, indeed, men are fucking pigs. I throw up the fucking white flag. You were right, women, we're disgusting. It only took three dudes in the locker room, this morning, to finally convince me.

Dude #1: Johnny Ballsack. Not a new character to the locker room, mind you. Johnny struts around naked as a fucking jaybird, airin' out his mandibles for all to see. It's like he's a retiring hacky-sack salesman who's desperately trying to unload the last of his wares. Yes, Johnny, I see your nuts... they're super. And thanks for putting one leg up on the bench while you towel off your hair so I can see them dangle there, weighted down like a Hobbit's weathered coin pouch filled with magical elfen nuggets.

Dude #2: Danny Diarrhea. Every fucking day the dude walks into the locker room, drops his back on a bench, enters a stall, shuts the door and then blasts a fucking shitstorm into the defenseless bowl that sounds like Ernest Borgnine explopding in a sensory deprivation tank. I mean, what the fuck does this guy's diet consist of, Beanie Weenie casserole, poured over raw scrapple, smothered in nitro-glycerin gravy... stuffed inside a polska kielbasa? Seriously, his asshole must look like fucking Chernobyl. Ring of Fire?! This dude's probably got a goddamn Necklace of Fire.

Dude #3: Clippy McToenails. Okay, picture a portly 70-ish Pakistani man in a maroon tracksuit, sitting in the middle of the lockerroom clipping his motherfucking toenails... with no regard for hither and/or thither they might be landing. And the dude must have like 40 toes 'cuz he was a-clippin' when I got in the shower and was still a-clippin' after I was fully dressed and leaving the locker room. "Tink... tink... tink...." 70 year old toenail shards shooting all over the goddamn place like a fucking cartilaginous meteor shower. Fucking disgusting.

And who knows what the shit these fuckers are doing in the goddamn pool. Where's my Speedo haz-mat suit when I need it?

7 comments:

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

Dude! Seriously! Too dang funny! I see it all through your eyes and it's so spot on of what I was thinking. Never been in a men's locker room, don't think I want to. *shudder*

But you should see sometime what happens in the LADIES (and I use the term loosely) locker room. The hubba-hubba hiney ho-bags who think they are the BOMB and strut around as if they are. Like two elephants trying to mate. *GAG* Pendulous milk sacks just a flappin'. And the togs they try to stuff themselves into make every piece of cellulite look like the Grand Canyon. *Ack*

I think the little old ladies are cute though as they go into the private booths to change their clothes. Modesty ... always modesty. Yes, I AM an old lady of 56 and I, too, have used the booths just so I don't have to look at what goes on in there. *shudder*

Thanks for the visual man. :)

Jerry in Indiana said...

Damn, that was some funny stuff!

If you wear glasses, you may want to remove them the instant you enter the locker room.

Kim said...

I will totally back you up on the toenail thing. My BF clips his toenails (and fingernails too) while he sits on the couch. Those little fuckers shoot all over the room like shrapnel! I step on them on the floor, find them a room away in the kitchen, or worst of all, feel a shard poking the back of my leg because it's pointing out of the sofa. WTF? How hard is it to put a towel down and contain your mess? OMG is this a peeve of mine!

At least it's good to know that ONE LONE DUDE finds this appalling. Now, will you tell the rest of your man-tribe? The old ladies of the world will thank you.

Anonymous said...

I see your flying toe-shards and raise you one teenage boy who prefers to maintain his peds with his TEETH. That's right- my son CHEWS HIS TOENAILS the way most people chew their fingernails. OMG.

And the funniest thing is this is a kid who is grossed out by the fact that he has to share a bathroom, so every time he goes to "sit on the throne" he covers it with a protective layer of TP. Yet he chomps his toenails with nary a concern. Again, OMG.

-Kim's sister

Kim said...

Ewww. My nephew is GROSS. :P

Innisanimate said...

Andy, yes, they should be clipping their nails in a plastic bubble inside their own bathroom, but I've seen dozens of people doing this ON THE EL and ON THE BUS!!! And it wasn't just guys.

I've lost all respect for the human race thanks to these people.

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh. Thanks!

I've also found guys who blow their noses loudly when people are eating nearby to be pretty disgusting. Honk right into gross handkerchiefs, that they'd stuff back into their pockets... eww. I used to work with a guy that would do that regularly during break, to be followed by the "clippy-clip" routine of trimming his fingernails. Yuck.