Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there and to those who aren't yet mothers (as far as you know... nudge, nudge.) What did we do for Crabbymom, you ask? Well, the Old Lady and I decided, a while back, that we were going to put the old kibosh on extravagant mother's/father's day gifts 'cuz it was getting too fucking stressful coming up with gifts. I mean, she's not my fucking mom, and the whole idea of me schlepping around town looking for presents and pretending that they were actually from Mr. Z and Miss O, when in actuality, those to slackers didn't do shit... well, we decided it was enough.
So, the kids made her some very sweet cards and I? I removed the tree stump from the backyard that I said I was going to remove three years ago:
Look at that fucking thing. That cocksucker's been taunting me for three years, smack-dab in the middle of the lawn. Every year I'd stand by it, wondering what the shit I could do to extricate its ass from mother earth. I'd lamely chop at it, try to pry it up, usually break a shovel or two, and then vow to call a tree service to pull it out with a chain and a truck.
Because I like to wait a few years before cold-calling a bunch of tree services for quotes, I was just getting around to doing just that, when I thought I'd give it one final ol'-college-try. I jammed a (new) shovel under one of its gnarled Hogwarts-lookin' roots and fulcrum-ed the shit out of it. Then I heard a snap! I quickly felt my knees/arms/coccyx to make sure it wasn't one of my brittle/hollow old man bones, and when all felt intact, I realized it was the fucking stump. A few more strategic twists and turns and VOYLA, I had broken its will to live. I hauled its ass out of the hell-mouth in which it had been nestled, rolled it onto the lime-green sled, and deposited it over by the side of the house, where all the other big-ass shit I'm never going to be able to get rid of goes to die.
Then I ran and got the Old Lady and showed her my thick, dirty stump. Way better reaction than I would've gotten had I purchased her yet another piece of jewelry she'd most likely have to return. Hell, she even ran in to get the camera -- she said "You have to put this on your blog." I think it was the best present I've ever given her.
Maybe next year I can give her a dead woodpecker.